byk999

Definitions

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

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Love affairs:

Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

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Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

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Divorce:

Future tense of marriage

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Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

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Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

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Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

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Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power ...

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Dictionary:

A place where divorce comes before marriage.

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Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

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Ecstasy:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

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Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.

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Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

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Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

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Etc:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

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Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

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Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.

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Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.

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Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

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Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

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Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

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Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

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Pessimist:

A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

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Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

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Father:

A banker provided by nature.

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Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught.

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Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

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Boss:

Someone who comes early when you are late and is late when you come early.

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Doctor:

A medical person who kills your ills by pills and kills you with bills.

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INSURANCE:

A contact that keeps you poor all your life so that you can be rich after.

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Nurse:

A person who wakes you to give you sleeping pills.

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Saturday and Sunday:

Are strong days as the others are weak days (weekdays).

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School:

A place where Papa pays and son plays.

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YAWN:The only time a husband can open his mouth in front of his wife.

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A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting

software engineer joke

A Junior Software engineer, a Senior Software engineer and their Project Manager are on their way to a Lunch.

On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.

They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".

So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff" and he was gone.

Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff" and he was also gone.

The Project Manager calmly said,
" I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1.30pm"

Moral of the story is:

"Always allow the boss to speak first"

relationship

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

joke 1

Girl: ninna nenu rakhi teccha. Enduku kattinchukoledu?
Boy: idi maree bavundi. Repu nenu taali testa. Kattinchukuntava?? 😄👌😂😂

usefull whatsapp message

One motorist met with an accident. He was unconscious. One cab driver stopped the cab and called ambulance and police. He took the mobile of that guy to call the family members of that guy. Luckily that guy hasn't locked his mobile. But what if the mobile was locked(which we usually are habituated to keep) how would have we reached the family members of that guy. There is a solution to that problem. Most of us use android phones, we have something called owner's info which will scroll on the lock screen. You don't need to enter any password to view the owner info. This will be continuously scrolling on the screen. Go to settings -> security -lock screen-> owners info. Enter your details like your name and emergency contact number. This will take just 2 mins to implement. It will be helpful if you loose your phone or god forbid if something bad happens. Please forward this to your groups. This will save someone life one day...😊

Emergency contact number in mobile phone

Most of us use android phones, we have something called owner's info which will scroll on the lock screen. You don't need to enter any password to view the owner info. This will be continuously scrolling on the screen. Go to settings -> security -lock screen-> owners info. Enter your details like your name and emergency contact number. This will take just 2 mins to implement. It will be helpful if you loose your phone or god forbid if something bad happens. Please forward this to your groups. This will save someone life one day.

Kumar Sangakkara retires

"Thank you for all the love. Been my privilege to play for my country and in front of all the fans" is what Kumar Sangakkara says.

cockroach joke

Tv reporter joke

ఒక పత్రికా విలేఖరి ఒక రైతును ఇంటర్ వ్యూ చేస్తున్నాడు.
' మీరు మీ మేకకు ఏంపెడతారు?'
రైతు: ' నల్లమేకకా, తెల్లమేకకా?'
వి: ' నల్లమేకకు.'
రై: ' గడ్డి.'
వి: ' మరి తెల్లమేకకు?'
రై: ' గడ్డి.'
వి: ' మీరు మీ మేకలను ఎక్కడ కట్టేస్తారు?'
రై: నల్లమేకనా, తెల్లమేకనా?'
వి: నల్లమేకను.
రై: బయటి వసారాలో.
వి: మరి తెల్లమేకను?
రై: దాన్ని కూడా బయటి వసారాలో.
వి: వీటికి స్నానం ఎలా చేయిస్తారు?
రై: నల్లమేకకా, తెల్లమేకకా?
వి: నల్లమేకకు.
రై: నీటితో.
వి: మరి తెల్లమేకకు?
రై: దానికి కూడా నీటితో.
వి: నీకసలు బుధ్ధి వుందా? రెండిటికీ ఒకేలా చేస్తున్నప్పుడు..అస్తమానూ నల్లమేకకా, తెల్లమేకకా అని ఎందుకడుగుతున్నావు?
రై: ఎందుకంటే నల్లమేక నాది.
వి: మరి తెల్లమేక?
రై: అదికూడా నాదే.
... విలేఖరి తల గోడకేసి కొట్టుకున్నాడు.
రైతు నవ్వుతూ అన్నాడు, ' ఇప్పుడర్థమైందా,మీరు టి.వి.లో ఒకే వార్త తిప్పి తిప్పి గంటలు గంటలు చూపిస్తూంటే మా ప్రేక్షకులకి ఎలా వుంటుందో?'....